Overcoming Self-doubt and finding JOY in self …..

I confess – at times, I have been overcautious and self-limiting because of self-doubt. I didn’t name it for many years and I certainly would never speak of it, but I know it’s held me back. I am in excellent company though as I have often read that self-doubt can be more acute for high achievers – and of course for any of us that battle that streak of perfectionism.

Aristotle famously wrote, “The more you know, the more you realise you don’t know.” I often reflect upon this, as it is a recurring theme in my professional life, and have decided this is a good thing – retaining a focus on learning and development keeps us current, curious and expanding the boundaries.

I often work with clients experiencing self-doubt. These days there is even a term for the worst of it – Imposter Syndrome. It can be defined as a collection of feelings of inadequacy that persist despite evident success. ‘Imposters’ suffer from chronic self-doubt and a sense of intellectual fraudulence that override any feelings of success or external proof of their competence. They seem unable to internalise their accomplishments; however successful they are in their field. High achieving, highly successful people often suffer, so imposter syndrome doesn’t equate with low self-esteem or a lack of self-confidence. In fact, some researchers have linked it with perfectionism, especially in women and among academics.

It makes me feel a whole lot better to understand this definition – as I hope it does for anyone reading this and identifying with the feelings. I have managed my self-doubt successfully over the years and continue to do so – although I confess, it never goes away. Here are a few tips, leading lights and great practices:

1. We are human beings and we are not perfect

In my practice and my self-practice, I have embraced the work of Dr Kristin Neff who writes with kindness and compassion:

You may try to change in ways that allow you to be healthier and happier, but this is done because you care about yourself, not because you are worthless or unacceptable as you are. Perhaps most importantly, having compassion for yourself means that you honor and accept your humanness. Things will not always go the way you want them to. You will encounter frustrations, losses will occur, you will make mistakes, bump up against your limitations, fall short of your ideals. This is the human condition, a reality shared by all of us. The more you open your heart to this reality instead of constantly fighting against it, the more you will be able to feel compassion for yourself and all your fellow humans in the experience of life.

https://self-compassion.org/

2. Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life

This brilliant truth was spoken by Harvard psychologist, Susan David Ph.D. In her work about ‘emotional agility’ Susan tells us that ‘tough emotions are part of our contract with life’. Acknowledging them, accepting them, experiencing them gives us data from which we can make sense of what’s happening to us or around us and take values aligned action. Emotions are data not directions!

https://www.susandavid.com/

3. Let go of who you think you’re supposed to be and embrace who you are

Brene Brown Ph.D. tells its best. The greatest challenge for most of us is believing that we are worthy NOW; right this minute. Worthiness doesn’t have prerequisites!

“Vulnerability is not weakness, and the uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure we face every day are not optional. Our only choice is a question of engagement. Our willingness to own and engage with our vulnerability determines the depth of our courage and the clarity of our purpose; the level to which we protect ourselves from being vulnerable is a measure of our fear and disconnection.”

https://brenebrown.com/

4. Don’t believe everything you tell yourself

Beyond Blue tell us that everyone has an inner critic who says in a hundred different ways, “you’re not good enough”. The critic is fed by negative messages society sends you about who you ‘need’ to be in order to be worthy, smart, successful, rich, attractive, popular.

The critic can be especially loud in people experiencing anxiety or depression. Turning against yourself is one of the cruelest features of these conditions.

Silencing your critic is difficult to do because it’s probably been with you since childhood. But the benefits of starting a kinder relationship with yourself can be life changing.

Here are six things to remind yourself when your critic is giving you a hard time.

• Having an inner critic is not the issue. The issue is believing what your inner critic says to you and acting on its advice. Work on getting some distance from your critic.

• Write down your self-critical thoughts as if they were coming from someone else: “you’re incompetent”, “you’re ugly”. How would you argue back if a stranger said this to you or someone you cared about?

• If you’re constantly looking for information that confirms you’re not good enough, you’ll find it. Focus your attention elsewhere on the things you’re doing well. Keep a journal and each night, write down three things you did well that day. Look at these notes whenever your critic is really loud.

• You can’t be everyone. Notice when you’re taking your own strengths for granted and focusing on what others do better than you. It’s hard to see your own skills because they’ve been with you for so long you think everyone has them. But they don’t.

• Think about the faults of someone you admire. How should they talk to themselves about these? What would that sound like for yourself?

• Be a lifelong learner. Making a mistake doesn’t confirm your worst fears about yourself. View mistakes as a learning opportunity. View yourself as someone who is always growing. Facing difficulties helps you develop the skills to bounce back and succeed next time.

Accepting your imperfections is one of the great challenges of life. Find tactics that work for you and return to them during difficult days when your critic is strong, stubborn and convincing.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/personal-best/pillar/supporting-yourself/when-your-inner-critic-is-giving-you-a-tough-time

Jeanette Kinahan, Founder and Director of Thriving People is an awarded and highly experienced personal injury management and workplace wellbeing practitioner and advisor, an advanced and nationally accredited mediator, and conflict management coach (amongst other things).